Self-Forgiveness Became Essential to My Recovery
I learned about Self-Forgiveness in rehab. At long last!
I was set me free.
For as long as I can remember, I always found a way to turn any disastrous trauma into self-blame and pity.
I knew nothing about the concept of self-forgiveness.
My self-sabotaging victimization fueled my oblivion seeking addiction.
After years of substance abuse, I was left broken and seemingly hopeless.
I found myself diving into the 12 Steps and meditation, grabbing onto any resource to never live the life of my former indulgences.
Little did I know, practical application was the only way I would ever find the serenity I desperately sought after.
Upon first getting sober, I found a sponsor, attended AA meetings daily and chased after validation like my last drink.
I thought I found my solution in the flattering compliments of recovering boys.
As expected, this didn’t last long.
Misleading and taunting my next victim, I came up empty.
I was willing to divulge the painful memories of my past, but I would never fully surrender my need to control over to God.
My pitiful Mantra became a habit of repeating the stories of my mistreatment. Highlighting the most painful parts.
I would hand over this aspect, but I would cling to the fears and pains that I thought served to show my victimhood.
Traumas from my past and daily chaos eventually mirrored the same misery I dwelled in my entire life.
Perhaps fear propelled my desire to stay away from opiates, but two years sober, I finally got miserable enough to change.
I despairingly requested to go through the steps again with my sponsor.
Clinging to the women I respected and admired, I ventured out to find a new way of life.
It started with rigorous honesty and ended with grace and walking through every fear I encountered.
As we sat down to do my 5th step, I remember the first and most detailed resentment on my list was me.
I thrived on self-hatred and shame.
Wearing guilt like a warm blanket, my sponsor graciously asked why the Creator of the universe already forgave me, but I refused to follow suit.
Afterall, how can I possibly forgive others and rid myself of the bondage of self-pity if I couldn’t forgive myself?
At first, I was offended and baffled by the idea that I was the only one holding onto and reveling in this condemnation.
After processing her questions, I realized I have the unrelenting desire to judge and over complicate the requirements of staying sober.
It was a spiritual experience.
Spiritual Experience with Sponsor
I left my sponsor’s house, and a weight had been lifted.
I felt as though and life wasn’t so bad.
I began the process of self-forgiveness.
I was able to view things from an entirely different perspective.
Gratitude swept in and carried away the judgments and criticisms of not only myself but everyone I encountered.
I started to identify the same adversities I struggled with in the lives of my foes.
All at once, we were equals.
We were all trudging through life, the best we can with what we have.
Years sober, and I finally felt like I could breathe for the first time.
No longer suffocating in agony, I jumped into working with other women and couldn’t help but share the hope that found me.
Almost every addict finds reprieve in obsessing over past trauma and recreating the same cycles that led to our demise.
The Big Book describes resentments as “the number one offender” for an addict like me.
My experiences in recovery have proven this to be true.
My drug use became my solution but once removed my behaviors lingered.
Self-forgiveness took the guidance of my sponsor, changing my friends to only sober AA people, studying the steps and the Big Book combined with meetings, meetings, daily meetings.
Today I decide to forgive others and relieve myself of the bondage of trying to control the outcome.